revised edition:


Epiphany numberings:
1) My dad wants only a relationship of arguments which end badly - and i've no idea why. Maybe he believes that he can still break me and turn me into my submissive sister? (no offense meant, ) Although i do envy the way the two of them fit so well into the "happy family" scenario D: On the other hand, however, she's never been asked the things i have from him T.T Now i can't even find a redeeming ticket in my head for him anymore - it's like my brain simply doesnt identify him as "a relative" so much as a "landlord". No amount of guilt-ridden explanations and "i've had a horrible childhood" lectures will cure this now. ;.; Oh well. *hugs large and growing assortment of old beanybabies and stuffed animals my li'l bro doesnt want anymore *

2) i cannot keep viewing my mom as my safety net. she's dealt with me for 18 1/2 years and needs one less dependant on her psyche...and arguments with said dependant and her spouse - both which, though looking great together on a tax form, look horrible in a family sense.

3) life revolves around money - holy crap you bet it does..O__o
-insurance: 400$
-food: 15$
-gas: 25$ (per week)
- new cellphone prepayed phonecard thing my parents are making me get: dont know yet D:: (I DONT EVEN WANT A DAMNED PHONE D:< /end pointless mini-bitch)


4) The family will dictate how, when, why, where your feelings occur and to what degree.
-The family will make you suffer in some way for not following their preconceived mental models.
-What one member of the family want that member b> gets, regardless of any conflicts with their own demands upon you
- the family automatically assumes your life is perfect, and thus you owe them the benefit of venturing out of "Do what i tell you and react as i want you to"

...not going farther into that hellhole - it's been going on for years without the full realization which donned on me just the other day.

5) There is no way to ever do something "right," only "half-ass"
-it doesn't matter how hard you toiled or broke your back over it

6) if you can't remember what they said, you "weren't listening"
-and apparently it was intentional
-and EVERYTHING is some devious plot to make someone in the family miserable.
6)Time is your most valued asset - unfortunately, so is sleep.


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...that is all


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/not really
i have had a very good life - just needed to bitch about something stupid...AND NOW OFF TO STUDY FOR SCHOOL WHICH I SORELY REQUIRE ~

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How's everyone been? (hasnt chatted with anyone for a month or soo)